So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
