i used baking grease as lip gloss
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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