I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
