id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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