good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my shit smells like andre
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
