My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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