hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
