With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
