Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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