did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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