Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
