Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
