This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Damn victory sex feels great
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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