Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
