final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I need moral support for this bender
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
