My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
