Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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