the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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