Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you had me at cake vodka
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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