Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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