Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
