I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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