Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
