Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
