i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We were destined to go to rehab together
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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