just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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