We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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