my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
