so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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