Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
