Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
