season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm too high and old for this...
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