Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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