There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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