pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
