I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
