Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
