She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
