I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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