Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
