mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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