I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
