And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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