I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
