If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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