I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
