I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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