I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
