i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
