I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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