I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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